Well i said i wasnt going to leave it as long this time but i really did lie lol. its been ages. ive been workin even more now and never seem to get any time to myself. well a update on the last blog. The funeral was very hard, we was late as Daren couldnt get organised and we was all in a massive mess in the end. it was nice to catch up with all Darens family though, especially his auntie Mary.  she died last week on holiday which came as a massive shock. its turned christmas round even more. All i seem to have done since ive started my blog in august is write about whos died, and I cant wait for next year to come.  on that note Buzza died the other week aswell. I didnt know him that well just from town but its still sad. At least he’s back with his twin though. Christmas has been pretty shite, weve all been workin n daren worked xmas day, i could probs go as far as sayin it was one of the shittyest weeks this year lol. I hope next year brings better luck than this year. This ones been full of upset and shit and it would be nice for things to start going right. Its new years eve tomorrow and still we have no plans. Well the next time i write in this blog will be next year so hopefully ill start on a happy note and not who else has died. till next time x

Ive been meaning to write in here for ages but I really aint had the time. Ive been working loads but it did show on payday when I finally paid my catalogue off after a year:D Aint really been doing much other than work but I have been spending alot of time with Emma and Kelly recently. We have such a laugh and im so glad weve all become close cos I love it:D We went chesterfield and town last week and it was one of the best weekends ive had in a bit.  Aint seen much of them this week though as Darens dad died on monday morning and its been a hard week for us all. The atmosphere in the house is just shit and were all knackered and guttered. Weve ended up with his Cat Ally though. Jinx and Jaffa keep hissing at her but they will just have to get used to her being here. Its the funeral next wednesday and im hoping that goes well. He had been ill a while in hospital but was getting better as he had been transfered to community. We think he just gave up as some of the things he was saying to family the few days before were strange. We also think he has left Daren something special…swollen ankles lol. Bill always had swollen ankles and the day after he died Daren has them. I dont think im up to anything this weekend. Ive stayed in all week and think I probs will till after the funeral. I aint spending much now either with christmas coming up. Ill try not to leave it this time as long. Tara x x

Well today i finally got round to putting up my wardrobe so ive been tidying my room. I had been reading all my random documents on the laptop and had found a old argeument with my dad which made me have a few thoughts. Half hour later what do i find? His Cd. Seems strange still after the past 20 months that the past 20 months have happened. Only seemed like last week that I read that first email when he found me. Now 20 months later I feel that I would have felt alot better never knowing him. He says he cared and always did. So where was my birthday wishes this month?

Families are funny things.In my eyes I have 3 familys. My mums side, my dads side and my old stepdads side. And the ones I have more to do with are my old stepdads family which are amazing. I actually feel a part of that family, something I have never felt with my real family. My mums side consists of a stepgrandad I never get to see, a nana that meant the world to me that has passed away, 2 aunties, Julie which died years ago and Sandra that is missing in Australia and a dumb uncle Mike who I cant abide. The only person I see is Julies daughter Cheryl. So you can imagine I thought I had hit the jackpot when I finally met my dad. Finally after all these years I had a dad, nana, auntie,uncle and cousin. It took a hell of a lot of courage as a 17 year old to go behind my mums back and go and meet a man I didnt even know. It was the hardest and scariest moment in my entire life and until your in the same situation where your meeting the dad you havent seen in 13 years its hard to imagine how hard it really is. And after all the guts and effort to try and be involved in this family it wasnt meant to be. Me and Kelly became best mates at first but by the time my 18th birthday came only 8 months on no-one cared. I cant help but think maybe they expected someone else? That I was the complete opposite to what they imagined I would be? Or maybe they was all happy with their little family that they didnt need another “Lockhart” joining the clan? Its alot of maybes and probably things I will never find out.

This song seems to sum everything up really http://youtube.com/watch?v=5etnQe_5TVw

None of my little ramblings probably make sense but it is 2.15am and my head is feeling a little messed up. Plus its MY blog so who cares lol.  Well im going to to sleep now and hope none of this pops up in the weird dreams I usually have. Night x

so early on in my blog and im talking about something so awful. It shocks me sometimes on how sudden it really can be. I was having my neice yesterday morning as all the family was at my sisters aunties funeral. She was only 44 and seems such a waste. So while my mum and stepdad was getting ready for the funeral I decided to sit down and read the chad, only to flick threw the obituarys too see someone I knew so well and had so many memories of. Sandra. She lives across the road from where my grandad lives. She was my nanas best friend and she was heart broken when she died years ago. I always used to go round when I was little and play with her dog Oliver, or walk to the shops with her. She became a rock to the family when my nana died, checking on my grandad and letting us know that he’s ok as it was difficult to visit him alot. She always seemed young for her age, and was so full of life. We had a christmas card from her just last year and she was fine. Then opening that page and seeing that picture was awful. She was only 65, too young too go yet. I had too be the one to tell all my family and im sure last night was spent with alot of thoughts of such a wonderful women. So rest in peace Sandra. You will be missed so much x x