Well today i finally got round to putting up my wardrobe so ive been tidying my room. I had been reading all my random documents on the laptop and had found a old argeument with my dad which made me have a few thoughts. Half hour later what do i find? His Cd. Seems strange still after the past 20 months that the past 20 months have happened. Only seemed like last week that I read that first email when he found me. Now 20 months later I feel that I would have felt alot better never knowing him. He says he cared and always did. So where was my birthday wishes this month?

Families are funny things.In my eyes I have 3 familys. My mums side, my dads side and my old stepdads side. And the ones I have more to do with are my old stepdads family which are amazing. I actually feel a part of that family, something I have never felt with my real family. My mums side consists of a stepgrandad I never get to see, a nana that meant the world to me that has passed away, 2 aunties, Julie which died years ago and Sandra that is missing in Australia and a dumb uncle Mike who I cant abide. The only person I see is Julies daughter Cheryl. So you can imagine I thought I had hit the jackpot when I finally met my dad. Finally after all these years I had a dad, nana, auntie,uncle and cousin. It took a hell of a lot of courage as a 17 year old to go behind my mums back and go and meet a man I didnt even know. It was the hardest and scariest moment in my entire life and until your in the same situation where your meeting the dad you havent seen in 13 years its hard to imagine how hard it really is. And after all the guts and effort to try and be involved in this family it wasnt meant to be. Me and Kelly became best mates at first but by the time my 18th birthday came only 8 months on no-one cared. I cant help but think maybe they expected someone else? That I was the complete opposite to what they imagined I would be? Or maybe they was all happy with their little family that they didnt need another “Lockhart” joining the clan? Its alot of maybes and probably things I will never find out.

This song seems to sum everything up really http://youtube.com/watch?v=5etnQe_5TVw

None of my little ramblings probably make sense but it is 2.15am and my head is feeling a little messed up. Plus its MY blog so who cares lol.  Well im going to to sleep now and hope none of this pops up in the weird dreams I usually have. Night x